- Love and sex by the book
- By Daphne Guinness
- The Age
- 01/01/2009 Make a Comment
- Contributed by: judgeme ( 1 article in 2009 )
Boob-flashing. Bottoms bared. Languorous naked bodies. Has Debrett's, the arbiter of good taste and behaviour, known for its impeccably aristocratic Peerage And Baronetage tome, lost the plot?
With suggestive photographs and chapter headings like One Night Stand, Sex and Seduction, Office Sleaze, and Adultery, Debrett's Etiquette For Girls is raunchy. Ditto Debrett's Manners For Men: What Women Really Want (apparently it's crumpled beds, touching up male bums and fishnet stockings).
While dress codes and gym behaviour are there, bonking is the real eye-catcher. What on earth is going on?
Jo Bryant, 30, Debrett's etiquette adviser in London, says the books reflect life now. It's 15 years since it did its original etiquette guide, Correct Form, and it was time for an update. The question is: who are the books aimed at? Is it ladettes-to-ladies for the female demographic, or blue-collar workers for men?
Hardly toffs, a long-gone species. Maybe middle-class, whoever they are these days?
"It doesn't work like that," Bryant says. "At first we thought late teens to early twenties for both books. Then we discovered 13 to 15-year-old girls were buying, and 30 to 40s for their friends.
"Then 16-year-old boys too wanted to know about women, and older men who thought they knew it all but had forgotten.
"We underestimated how well it would be received by the younger and the older audience."
So everybody's covered. But the girls' book is juicier: "That's because the women's magazines we researched are a lot more upfront than men's about sex. That's how magazines talk to their readers. We want to be their best friends and talk to them too."
Men, on the other hand, are arrogant. They don't like to be bossed. "We're whispering things into their ears their mother and girlfriend wouldn't dare tell them."
For instance, a man had better watch out if after three dates he doesn't kiss and after six dates there's no action - women will think he is either gay or neutered. So when should they have sex? What's the rule?
"We're implying you should establish friendship and companionship first," Bryant says. Fine. But the girls' book says sex on the third date is the acceptable benchmark. So why the difference? "It's a comfort situation, not meant to encourage people to have sex if they don't want it," Bryant says, sliding out of the question with practiced ease.
What's more, girls are told to take the initiative. Lure the man in, compliment him, then play hard-to-get. Has this been tried and tested by the Debrett's team?
"We spoke to the relationship person - can't think of her name - about classic interaction between men and women; that's what we were advised," came the response.
Nonetheless, girls are informed about the One Night Stand, so if the Debrett imprimatur is on it, doesn't that make it green lights all round?
"We are not condoning it, it's not right for everybody. We acknowledge it happens and give advice how to handle it."
The book advises girls, once in the bedroom, to forgo the cleansing-toning-moisturising routine and leave make-up intact and pyjamas in the drawer. Discuss birth control and let the action begin.
If the action's happening at his place, the ONS is not over until the walk of shame - going home in last night's dishevelled clothes. She must steel herself for the aftermath and hold her head up high. (Debrett's nearly didn't put ONS in but felt it too naive to leave it out.)
Reading the books, I am struck by the amount of hard graft required by a girl in, presumably, a happy romance. If she anticipates staying overnight she is told to bring a change of underwear and condoms. (He will provide a T-shirt to run around in next morning.)
"What we're saying is, at least you've got to date three so you should be prepared. No reason why contraception is the man's responsibility - it's yours."
Snooping, something women "do", is OK when he's cooking in the kitchen but not when he's gone. Bryant says there's snooping and there's snooping. Innocent observation of his curtain arrangement or his artwork (hopefully not ghastly posters or framed prints) is acceptable. Combing his drawers when he's left the house is not.
So should a man care if his girl flirts with another man? She's only doing it, Bryant says, because she wants attention. Turn it up then, fellas, but not so she's smothered.
"It's reading the signals and trying to see a reason for it," Bryant says. But what about her jealousy when he flirts with another woman? Debrett's has the nerve to say: "Let him flirt."
We do [say that], Bryant concedes, but [we mean] in moderation. I don't know about the etiquette adviser but if I'm with a man and he flirts I am pissed off. Doesn't she agree?
"What, me personally? Oh, I don't talk about me. I cannot. But I refer you to the section about light-hearted interaction, which is not considered sexual flirting." A woman has to be thick if she can't tell the difference between sexual and so-called non-sexual flirting. (It's always sexual.) "There is a half-way in flirting. It's a joke thing."
She says, and I find it hard to believe, there were no rows and scenes producing the books. Who decided what went in or out?
"The majority, we didn't vote."
As for the other women in his life, especially his ex-wife, apparently it's OK to have a drink with her after work. Is Bryant serious? "As long as it's an innocent drink. It's normal for men to be friends with their ex." Up to a point, but a drink after work? Come on.
"It's OK if his partner is happy about it."
And when it comes to dumping, some waffling is apparent. The girls' book says it is best done by phone or email - texting is too cruel. Men, on the other hand, are told to do it face-to-face. Why the disparity? A cry of anguish down the phone.
"Oh God, I don't know actually."
She lobs the ball right back. "You've caught me out. If you can't at least explain by email, you cannot text. But you've caught me there."
Warning: it seems even Debrett's isn't infallible.
Debrett's Etiquette For Girls by Fleur Britten, $49.95, and Debrett's Manners For Men: What Women Really Want by E. Jane Dickson, $49.95.
With suggestive photographs and chapter headings like One Night Stand, Sex and Seduction, Office Sleaze, and Adultery, Debrett's Etiquette For Girls is raunchy. Ditto Debrett's Manners For Men: What Women Really Want (apparently it's crumpled beds, touching up male bums and fishnet stockings).
While dress codes and gym behaviour are there, bonking is the real eye-catcher. What on earth is going on?
Jo Bryant, 30, Debrett's etiquette adviser in London, says the books reflect life now. It's 15 years since it did its original etiquette guide, Correct Form, and it was time for an update. The question is: who are the books aimed at? Is it ladettes-to-ladies for the female demographic, or blue-collar workers for men?
Hardly toffs, a long-gone species. Maybe middle-class, whoever they are these days?
"It doesn't work like that," Bryant says. "At first we thought late teens to early twenties for both books. Then we discovered 13 to 15-year-old girls were buying, and 30 to 40s for their friends.
"Then 16-year-old boys too wanted to know about women, and older men who thought they knew it all but had forgotten.
"We underestimated how well it would be received by the younger and the older audience."
So everybody's covered. But the girls' book is juicier: "That's because the women's magazines we researched are a lot more upfront than men's about sex. That's how magazines talk to their readers. We want to be their best friends and talk to them too."
Men, on the other hand, are arrogant. They don't like to be bossed. "We're whispering things into their ears their mother and girlfriend wouldn't dare tell them."
For instance, a man had better watch out if after three dates he doesn't kiss and after six dates there's no action - women will think he is either gay or neutered. So when should they have sex? What's the rule?
"We're implying you should establish friendship and companionship first," Bryant says. Fine. But the girls' book says sex on the third date is the acceptable benchmark. So why the difference? "It's a comfort situation, not meant to encourage people to have sex if they don't want it," Bryant says, sliding out of the question with practiced ease.
What's more, girls are told to take the initiative. Lure the man in, compliment him, then play hard-to-get. Has this been tried and tested by the Debrett's team?
"We spoke to the relationship person - can't think of her name - about classic interaction between men and women; that's what we were advised," came the response.
Nonetheless, girls are informed about the One Night Stand, so if the Debrett imprimatur is on it, doesn't that make it green lights all round?
"We are not condoning it, it's not right for everybody. We acknowledge it happens and give advice how to handle it."
The book advises girls, once in the bedroom, to forgo the cleansing-toning-moisturising routine and leave make-up intact and pyjamas in the drawer. Discuss birth control and let the action begin.
If the action's happening at his place, the ONS is not over until the walk of shame - going home in last night's dishevelled clothes. She must steel herself for the aftermath and hold her head up high. (Debrett's nearly didn't put ONS in but felt it too naive to leave it out.)
Reading the books, I am struck by the amount of hard graft required by a girl in, presumably, a happy romance. If she anticipates staying overnight she is told to bring a change of underwear and condoms. (He will provide a T-shirt to run around in next morning.)
"What we're saying is, at least you've got to date three so you should be prepared. No reason why contraception is the man's responsibility - it's yours."
Snooping, something women "do", is OK when he's cooking in the kitchen but not when he's gone. Bryant says there's snooping and there's snooping. Innocent observation of his curtain arrangement or his artwork (hopefully not ghastly posters or framed prints) is acceptable. Combing his drawers when he's left the house is not.
So should a man care if his girl flirts with another man? She's only doing it, Bryant says, because she wants attention. Turn it up then, fellas, but not so she's smothered.
"It's reading the signals and trying to see a reason for it," Bryant says. But what about her jealousy when he flirts with another woman? Debrett's has the nerve to say: "Let him flirt."
We do [say that], Bryant concedes, but [we mean] in moderation. I don't know about the etiquette adviser but if I'm with a man and he flirts I am pissed off. Doesn't she agree?
"What, me personally? Oh, I don't talk about me. I cannot. But I refer you to the section about light-hearted interaction, which is not considered sexual flirting." A woman has to be thick if she can't tell the difference between sexual and so-called non-sexual flirting. (It's always sexual.) "There is a half-way in flirting. It's a joke thing."
She says, and I find it hard to believe, there were no rows and scenes producing the books. Who decided what went in or out?
"The majority, we didn't vote."
As for the other women in his life, especially his ex-wife, apparently it's OK to have a drink with her after work. Is Bryant serious? "As long as it's an innocent drink. It's normal for men to be friends with their ex." Up to a point, but a drink after work? Come on.
"It's OK if his partner is happy about it."
And when it comes to dumping, some waffling is apparent. The girls' book says it is best done by phone or email - texting is too cruel. Men, on the other hand, are told to do it face-to-face. Why the disparity? A cry of anguish down the phone.
"Oh God, I don't know actually."
She lobs the ball right back. "You've caught me out. If you can't at least explain by email, you cannot text. But you've caught me there."
Warning: it seems even Debrett's isn't infallible.
Debrett's Etiquette For Girls by Fleur Britten, $49.95, and Debrett's Manners For Men: What Women Really Want by E. Jane Dickson, $49.95.
Source: https://www.theage.com.au/articles/2009/01/01/1230681630373.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap2
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