- Dads cry out for help
- By Tory Maguire
- The Daily Telegraph
- 12/07/2003 Make a Comment
- Contributed by: admin ( 75 articles in 2003 )
There are thousands of them: `angry men' pushing for Family Court reform to fathers' rights. TORY MAGUIRE reports
Gary got home from a work trip eight years ago to find his house empty, his wife gone and his five-year-old son gone with her.
"My mum said, `Something horrible has happened, your wife has left you','' Gary says.
"My house was stripped and she had taken everything.''
It was the start of eight years that have seen the Central Coast father "bawl his eyes out'' every week as he tries to maintain a relationship with a son now going through puberty three hours' drive away.
He has considered killing himself. Four of his friends have already done it in despair of the stone walls they have come up against in the Family Court.
"One gassed himself, the other couple of guys hung themselves because they were refused contact,'' Gary says. "It is going to save a lot of blokes' lives because there is light at the end of the tunnel.''
That light is the dim hope the Federal Government will consider reforming the Family Court, starting with making "rebuttable joint custody'' the starting point for the judges and magistrates who decide the fate of a growing number of Australian children.
As The Daily Telegraph reported this week, fathers have just a 2.5 per cent chance of winning joint custody and almost one in three children have no contact with their father after their parents split up.
Since Prime Minister John Howard flagged his interest in exploring reform and ordered a parliamentary inquiry to report back on the matter by the end of the year, desperate fathers have flooded this newspaper with their stories.
Inside Edition spent two days on the phone with some of these fathers and found their problems with the system ranged from a lack of legal representation, to gratuitous use of Apprehended Violence Orders, and the inability of the Family Court to force their ex-wives or partners to abide by its orders. Each and every conversation drains the emotions.
Aaron convinced the court to allow him access to his two children every second weekend and half the school holidays. Every visit the children face a three-hour drive to the pick-up point then a two-hour drive to Aaron's place, so he has agreed to make it every third weekend.
He says he can't fight for more access because child support payments mean he can't afford a lawyer and any spare cash has been used to set himself up again after the break-up. "One solicitor said, `Aaron, just walk away, the system isn't for you, it is against you'.''
Aaron swears he has never threatened his ex-wife or his children but a string of AVOs and even an allegation he sexually abused his son have been thrown in the path to a more active part in his children's lives.
The allegation of sex abuse was investigated by the Department of Community Services and the police, who found there was no evidence to support the allegation.
"I would like to see fair actions for fathers, a change in child support law to allow for legal costs, to take into account that fathers have to spend money when they have the kids,'' Aaron says.
Steve hasn't seen his sons since 1998 when his former wife moved interstate and he didn't know where to find her.
He says he lost access rights to his two boys when he accidentally filed a document with the Family Court twice and was held in contempt of the court. A couple of weeks ago he tracked down his ex-wife and is about to start the long, slow process again.
"I have just filed papers to see a judge ex parte to ask him permission to file papers asking to see my children,'' Steve says.
"I don't have the money to pay for a private solicitor. I always have this fear in the back of my head that I am going to get shafted again because I fill in a document wrong.
"There should be somebody in that courtroom that you can walk up to and say, `I want to get access to my children', and they fill in the paper work for you.''
Adrian is bit by bit getting more and more access to his children, against all odds, representing himself in the Family Court effectively.
He has so far won access for Thursday and Friday nights one week then Thursday to Sunday nights the next, but is about to try for sole custody.
"My four-year-old is that attached to me that he just doesn't want to live with his mother,'' Adrian says.
"Teachers say he doesn't want to do what he is told, but when he is with me he is perfect. He has been threatening to hurt himself and commit suicide to get away from his mother.''
Adrian says custody of their children is a privilege that people should be given from the start.
"The way the system should be from the word go, is as soon as a couple separate, whether they are de facto or married, if you can prove they are your biological children you should get half custody,'' he says.
"If you renege on that, then you should get less. You shouldn't get zero from the start and have to fight, scratch and kick to get some access.''
Mark's situation is entirely different. When he and his wife split up in 1995 he was awarded residency of the three children.
The eldest went to live with his ex-wife two years ago, 900km away. Mark says the problem is getting someone to enforce the court orders on his ex-wife.
"When we send the other two children down there she doesn't return them so we have to go to court to get them back.''
This can take months and Mark and his new partner have been through it seven times in the past seven years.
"I can go to court and get a contravention of the court orders ... why would I spend a couple of thousand dollars on a piece of paper that says she has broken the court orders,'' he says.
"If she has got legal aid and the court doesn't punish her in any way it doesn't cost her to break the orders.''
Mark says while his situation is different to that of other fathers, he sympathises with them. "If this is what the court has done to them why hasn't it taken the same action against my ex-wife.''
One of the few fathers who Inside Edition spoke to who had moved on from the pain of Family Court proceedings was Sydney man John Partridge.
He and his wife split up eight years ago when his daughters were six, eight and 10 and he is now writing a book, called Burnt, about men's experiences in the Family Court.
In the process, he has met many fathers fighting a losing battle to have a constructive relationship with their children and says the whole system needs to be reformed.
"There are some very horrible guys in the system, it goes both ways, but what I would like to see is the breakdown of that sexual discrimination. It is only fair that men have equal access to their children, as long as you haven't got a history of a psychiatric disorder, or a history of abuse.''
Many of Partridge's subjects have been burned because of their own ignorance of the law and their rights. "They are also having to deal with their own depression caused by the separation,'' he says.
"They are behind the eight ball before they start because they don't have the confidence or strength.
"They don't understand the difference between a criminal situation and a civil situation.''
The parliamentary inquiry investigating custody issues should broaden its horizons beyond the interest groups and find out from these men what needs to be done.
Wives fear children will be put at risk.
Fathers are distraught over their inability to be heard in the Family Court, but there are also women who are terrified the Government might bring in rebuttable joint custody.
Mary left her abusive husband a year ago and took her children with her. She says that if the proposed changes to the system were in place back then, she would have had to risk her life and stay with her husband.
The alternative, possibly allowing her children to be alone with their father, would have been an impossible risk.
"I would put myself in danger to protect my children,'' Mary says. "And there are lots of people suffering domestic violence.''
Deb e-mailed to say some fathers used the Family Court to control their ex-partners.
"Many fathers refuse to pay child support as they believe this money is for the benefit of the mother not the children,'' she writes.
"Many fathers disappear, quit their jobs and do anything in their power not to have to pay for children who are theirs.
"This is why we have a Child Support Agency set up with taxpayers' money to try to ensure that fathers take a financial responsibility for their children, otherwise most wouldn't.''
Another reader says the debate so far was one-sided. "There are women out there where the husband is ripping off the taxpayers and the Child Support Agency by claiming they are unemployed when in actual fact they have all their money diverted into their partner's name and are working under shelf companies,'' she writes.
"Why do I know? Because my ex-husband hasn't seen his two daughters, aged 12 and 14, for more than three years, nor has he called them, not even on Christmas Day and their birthdays.''
Another woman, Ipsita, says men need to put in more effort before marriages break down. "I think 90 per cent of men drift away from their kids as soon as they are separated,'' she writes.
"No man can take the place of a mother. God has made it that way.''
Gary got home from a work trip eight years ago to find his house empty, his wife gone and his five-year-old son gone with her.
"My mum said, `Something horrible has happened, your wife has left you','' Gary says.
"My house was stripped and she had taken everything.''
It was the start of eight years that have seen the Central Coast father "bawl his eyes out'' every week as he tries to maintain a relationship with a son now going through puberty three hours' drive away.
He has considered killing himself. Four of his friends have already done it in despair of the stone walls they have come up against in the Family Court.
"One gassed himself, the other couple of guys hung themselves because they were refused contact,'' Gary says. "It is going to save a lot of blokes' lives because there is light at the end of the tunnel.''
That light is the dim hope the Federal Government will consider reforming the Family Court, starting with making "rebuttable joint custody'' the starting point for the judges and magistrates who decide the fate of a growing number of Australian children.
As The Daily Telegraph reported this week, fathers have just a 2.5 per cent chance of winning joint custody and almost one in three children have no contact with their father after their parents split up.
Since Prime Minister John Howard flagged his interest in exploring reform and ordered a parliamentary inquiry to report back on the matter by the end of the year, desperate fathers have flooded this newspaper with their stories.
Inside Edition spent two days on the phone with some of these fathers and found their problems with the system ranged from a lack of legal representation, to gratuitous use of Apprehended Violence Orders, and the inability of the Family Court to force their ex-wives or partners to abide by its orders. Each and every conversation drains the emotions.
Aaron convinced the court to allow him access to his two children every second weekend and half the school holidays. Every visit the children face a three-hour drive to the pick-up point then a two-hour drive to Aaron's place, so he has agreed to make it every third weekend.
He says he can't fight for more access because child support payments mean he can't afford a lawyer and any spare cash has been used to set himself up again after the break-up. "One solicitor said, `Aaron, just walk away, the system isn't for you, it is against you'.''
Aaron swears he has never threatened his ex-wife or his children but a string of AVOs and even an allegation he sexually abused his son have been thrown in the path to a more active part in his children's lives.
The allegation of sex abuse was investigated by the Department of Community Services and the police, who found there was no evidence to support the allegation.
"I would like to see fair actions for fathers, a change in child support law to allow for legal costs, to take into account that fathers have to spend money when they have the kids,'' Aaron says.
Steve hasn't seen his sons since 1998 when his former wife moved interstate and he didn't know where to find her.
He says he lost access rights to his two boys when he accidentally filed a document with the Family Court twice and was held in contempt of the court. A couple of weeks ago he tracked down his ex-wife and is about to start the long, slow process again.
"I have just filed papers to see a judge ex parte to ask him permission to file papers asking to see my children,'' Steve says.
"I don't have the money to pay for a private solicitor. I always have this fear in the back of my head that I am going to get shafted again because I fill in a document wrong.
"There should be somebody in that courtroom that you can walk up to and say, `I want to get access to my children', and they fill in the paper work for you.''
Adrian is bit by bit getting more and more access to his children, against all odds, representing himself in the Family Court effectively.
He has so far won access for Thursday and Friday nights one week then Thursday to Sunday nights the next, but is about to try for sole custody.
"My four-year-old is that attached to me that he just doesn't want to live with his mother,'' Adrian says.
"Teachers say he doesn't want to do what he is told, but when he is with me he is perfect. He has been threatening to hurt himself and commit suicide to get away from his mother.''
Adrian says custody of their children is a privilege that people should be given from the start.
"The way the system should be from the word go, is as soon as a couple separate, whether they are de facto or married, if you can prove they are your biological children you should get half custody,'' he says.
"If you renege on that, then you should get less. You shouldn't get zero from the start and have to fight, scratch and kick to get some access.''
Mark's situation is entirely different. When he and his wife split up in 1995 he was awarded residency of the three children.
The eldest went to live with his ex-wife two years ago, 900km away. Mark says the problem is getting someone to enforce the court orders on his ex-wife.
"When we send the other two children down there she doesn't return them so we have to go to court to get them back.''
This can take months and Mark and his new partner have been through it seven times in the past seven years.
"I can go to court and get a contravention of the court orders ... why would I spend a couple of thousand dollars on a piece of paper that says she has broken the court orders,'' he says.
"If she has got legal aid and the court doesn't punish her in any way it doesn't cost her to break the orders.''
Mark says while his situation is different to that of other fathers, he sympathises with them. "If this is what the court has done to them why hasn't it taken the same action against my ex-wife.''
One of the few fathers who Inside Edition spoke to who had moved on from the pain of Family Court proceedings was Sydney man John Partridge.
He and his wife split up eight years ago when his daughters were six, eight and 10 and he is now writing a book, called Burnt, about men's experiences in the Family Court.
In the process, he has met many fathers fighting a losing battle to have a constructive relationship with their children and says the whole system needs to be reformed.
"There are some very horrible guys in the system, it goes both ways, but what I would like to see is the breakdown of that sexual discrimination. It is only fair that men have equal access to their children, as long as you haven't got a history of a psychiatric disorder, or a history of abuse.''
Many of Partridge's subjects have been burned because of their own ignorance of the law and their rights. "They are also having to deal with their own depression caused by the separation,'' he says.
"They are behind the eight ball before they start because they don't have the confidence or strength.
"They don't understand the difference between a criminal situation and a civil situation.''
The parliamentary inquiry investigating custody issues should broaden its horizons beyond the interest groups and find out from these men what needs to be done.
Wives fear children will be put at risk.
Fathers are distraught over their inability to be heard in the Family Court, but there are also women who are terrified the Government might bring in rebuttable joint custody.
Mary left her abusive husband a year ago and took her children with her. She says that if the proposed changes to the system were in place back then, she would have had to risk her life and stay with her husband.
The alternative, possibly allowing her children to be alone with their father, would have been an impossible risk.
"I would put myself in danger to protect my children,'' Mary says. "And there are lots of people suffering domestic violence.''
Deb e-mailed to say some fathers used the Family Court to control their ex-partners.
"Many fathers refuse to pay child support as they believe this money is for the benefit of the mother not the children,'' she writes.
"Many fathers disappear, quit their jobs and do anything in their power not to have to pay for children who are theirs.
"This is why we have a Child Support Agency set up with taxpayers' money to try to ensure that fathers take a financial responsibility for their children, otherwise most wouldn't.''
Another reader says the debate so far was one-sided. "There are women out there where the husband is ripping off the taxpayers and the Child Support Agency by claiming they are unemployed when in actual fact they have all their money diverted into their partner's name and are working under shelf companies,'' she writes.
"Why do I know? Because my ex-husband hasn't seen his two daughters, aged 12 and 14, for more than three years, nor has he called them, not even on Christmas Day and their birthdays.''
Another woman, Ipsita, says men need to put in more effort before marriages break down. "I think 90 per cent of men drift away from their kids as soon as they are separated,'' she writes.
"No man can take the place of a mother. God has made it that way.''
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